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Devious Journal Entry
5 min read
This past week hasn't been so great. In the past week I have joined and quit rugby, broke up with my girlfriend of 10 months, started drinking, and been rejected repeatedly by a woman who I really want to be with.
This all of course just adds to the depression that has been eating at me for the last week. Last Thursday I woke up furious with myself for no reason and it has just gotten worse. I am taking my meds, it just isn't doing much right now. I quit weight watchers because it is just difficult do to the crappy wireless on campus and the mobile app being shitty. and my computer decided to die on me so i am in the lab currently typing this, which just makes me more upset. every other minute I want to cry but im in public so i cant. i want to walk back to my room, but i have no motivation to go that far. seriously im in a bad spot right now.
I skipped all my classes today, including one where a paper I havent written was due. i slept in til noon and finally decided to get up, which was an accomplishment. i even brushed my hair and put on clothes eventually to go to lunch at 2pm. other than that i ahve been able to play animal crossing, which at least allows me to have short term goals and complete them so i feel kind of better about myself. the biggest thing i did today was see a therapist. it required me getting in my car, driving to the place, and filling out forms. usually that would be a normal thing, take a small amount of energy. but right now, that tiny amount of energy was all i could muster. i am exhausted. i just want to drink and eat ice cream, but im scared that i am becoming an alcoholic cuz ive already drank 2 nights this week, and its only thursday. i just feel like shit. i am not a person who drinks, it is against almost every fiber of my being, but yet im letting myself do it. i got tipsey with a woman a barely even know and really like her. it is also very possible this is just me being in rebound mode from braking up with my girlfriend. ive wanted to drink in the past, and i guess ive gotten in a position where i can make it happen, but if i get caught im in trouble cuz im illegal for another 3 months, not like anyone really cares.
my mom is coming this weekend. not sure how i feel about it. originally she was gunna come see my play rugby, but i quit that and feel like a failure. but who knows what kind of mood she will be in.
im kind of happy about tonight and tmro tho. my bestie is spending the night, and letting me drink as long as i hand over my phone. which is a good idea because i have been an idiot as of late with my txting. and then we are watching my new love, Sherlock, in the morning and then i get to go spoil my lil baby cousin and see his mommy who is my fav cousin. he is a miracle baby and no one besides me and his immediate family seem to want to spoil him rotten. its all about the stupid baby girls that my other cousin has. guess that means my lil cousin is all mine!
today was just a bad day for no reason. it seems like the weekend has potential to be good, but it really depends on how i feel. it also depends on work. i really truly hate work. everyone is so negative. i came from the store that was rated number one in customerr service in the state (maybe region) and the store i am at now is not even close. everyone continues their conversations when customers are in the store, barely talk to them, its just ridiculously negative all the time. the customers dont need to know what went worng that morning, it doesnt effect them. it is not their problem. they just want their coffee so shut up! a hello, good morning and a thank you, see you soon are all people want. they do not want to know your sad story about how the truck was 2 hours late and customer service hasnt called you back on for some stupid problem. it doesnt matter to the customer. they want to kno if there is something on sale, or if an item they are buying is BOGO. My parents try to tell me the job is worth it because i have a bunch of benefits and shit, but with all that negativity on top of my depression, it is just not good for me. and everyone keeps telling me to take care of myself first and then when i try they get all mad and tell me i should take care of myself in a different way.
my mind isnt normal. running makes me want to punch things, it does not make me all happy and shit. me taking care of myself, is usually bad in the long run. like today i skipped all my classes, not the greatest thing to do long term. i eat ice cream to cope, not a good idea. you can tell me how great i am, and i will find a way to take it all negatively. when i am like this, the glass is broken and the water is on the floor. there is not half empty, its just broken. i am broken.
This all of course just adds to the depression that has been eating at me for the last week. Last Thursday I woke up furious with myself for no reason and it has just gotten worse. I am taking my meds, it just isn't doing much right now. I quit weight watchers because it is just difficult do to the crappy wireless on campus and the mobile app being shitty. and my computer decided to die on me so i am in the lab currently typing this, which just makes me more upset. every other minute I want to cry but im in public so i cant. i want to walk back to my room, but i have no motivation to go that far. seriously im in a bad spot right now.
I skipped all my classes today, including one where a paper I havent written was due. i slept in til noon and finally decided to get up, which was an accomplishment. i even brushed my hair and put on clothes eventually to go to lunch at 2pm. other than that i ahve been able to play animal crossing, which at least allows me to have short term goals and complete them so i feel kind of better about myself. the biggest thing i did today was see a therapist. it required me getting in my car, driving to the place, and filling out forms. usually that would be a normal thing, take a small amount of energy. but right now, that tiny amount of energy was all i could muster. i am exhausted. i just want to drink and eat ice cream, but im scared that i am becoming an alcoholic cuz ive already drank 2 nights this week, and its only thursday. i just feel like shit. i am not a person who drinks, it is against almost every fiber of my being, but yet im letting myself do it. i got tipsey with a woman a barely even know and really like her. it is also very possible this is just me being in rebound mode from braking up with my girlfriend. ive wanted to drink in the past, and i guess ive gotten in a position where i can make it happen, but if i get caught im in trouble cuz im illegal for another 3 months, not like anyone really cares.
my mom is coming this weekend. not sure how i feel about it. originally she was gunna come see my play rugby, but i quit that and feel like a failure. but who knows what kind of mood she will be in.
im kind of happy about tonight and tmro tho. my bestie is spending the night, and letting me drink as long as i hand over my phone. which is a good idea because i have been an idiot as of late with my txting. and then we are watching my new love, Sherlock, in the morning and then i get to go spoil my lil baby cousin and see his mommy who is my fav cousin. he is a miracle baby and no one besides me and his immediate family seem to want to spoil him rotten. its all about the stupid baby girls that my other cousin has. guess that means my lil cousin is all mine!
today was just a bad day for no reason. it seems like the weekend has potential to be good, but it really depends on how i feel. it also depends on work. i really truly hate work. everyone is so negative. i came from the store that was rated number one in customerr service in the state (maybe region) and the store i am at now is not even close. everyone continues their conversations when customers are in the store, barely talk to them, its just ridiculously negative all the time. the customers dont need to know what went worng that morning, it doesnt effect them. it is not their problem. they just want their coffee so shut up! a hello, good morning and a thank you, see you soon are all people want. they do not want to know your sad story about how the truck was 2 hours late and customer service hasnt called you back on for some stupid problem. it doesnt matter to the customer. they want to kno if there is something on sale, or if an item they are buying is BOGO. My parents try to tell me the job is worth it because i have a bunch of benefits and shit, but with all that negativity on top of my depression, it is just not good for me. and everyone keeps telling me to take care of myself first and then when i try they get all mad and tell me i should take care of myself in a different way.
my mind isnt normal. running makes me want to punch things, it does not make me all happy and shit. me taking care of myself, is usually bad in the long run. like today i skipped all my classes, not the greatest thing to do long term. i eat ice cream to cope, not a good idea. you can tell me how great i am, and i will find a way to take it all negatively. when i am like this, the glass is broken and the water is on the floor. there is not half empty, its just broken. i am broken.
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College!!!
1 min read
OMG I'm really in a real college!! Western is super amazing!!! I had Relaxation and Social work and Social welfare today! In social welfare I was so excited! I really got the feeling that is where I belong. every cell in my body longed to stay, it was magical! I wass with people who underrstood my need to help other people, and even some others who wanted to go into the peace corps. it was the best feeling ive ever had at school. I finally found the place where I belong and I am loving every minute of it!
I don't care that I am all the way at the end of a hall, that my hall is a bunch of girly girls, or that its a community bathroom. I also don't care that I have to walk everywhere, I am where I need to be and that is all that matters!
My best friend is here, I am making new friends, got my room all gayed out, haven't truly gotten lost yet, and everything is going my way. I love it here!!
I don't care that I am all the way at the end of a hall, that my hall is a bunch of girly girls, or that its a community bathroom. I also don't care that I have to walk everywhere, I am where I need to be and that is all that matters!
My best friend is here, I am making new friends, got my room all gayed out, haven't truly gotten lost yet, and everything is going my way. I love it here!!
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The journal where I say Fuck a lot
3 min read
FUCK!!! Work fucking sucked! I fucking went in and it was so fucking busy i almost cried and my stupid fucking manager person kept fucking disappearing and smoking and shit! She was like missing for like two fucking hours and I was slammed! like I had 5 fucking people in line and she wanted me to do the fucking trash! ya right bitch! then when she left and the guy got there things calmed down and he let me to curl up in a ball in the office for awhile. But of course then he wanted to go in the fucking cooler and I got busy again!! what the fuck is with these people and their fucking cooler?!?!?!? And of course there werent any of the cigs I fucking neded so I had to keep grabbing the fucking key to go to the back, which at my store is not a problem cuz we dont fucking have to lock a fucking door! but no, so i have to run back leave the fucking register completely unguarded, along with the entire fucking store, and get the fucking cigs! i fucking hate their system. they wont stock until someone fucking asks for it. fucking losers!!
then of course it just got worse. the security guys called and did a fucking store tour, and everything was alright except some shit in the back the guy i was working with hadnt had a chance to clean up. but of course they were talking to me while i was trying to deal with fucking customers and asking me shit about the store, and its not my normal store. so i looked like a fucking retard. at least the guy on the phone wass nice about it.
then what i can only assume was a homeless guy came in with 140 cans to return. Now im not sure in any of you have ever had to fucking count 140 cans by yourself with a line of people waiting, but it is not fucking fun. then this jackass just wanted to money. wasn't buying shit! that should be illegal or some shit. like buy a fucking hotdog you bum!!
then homeless guy got all up in our business when two ladies came in who were attacked by fucking bees a couple blocks away and wanted ice. then this homeless guy started flipping out which made the lady flip out and he was just not helpful. we called the police and the ladies were fine but the jackass was all up in their business and making her panic even more, and also was in the way of every customer that walked in. Then when the fire trucks got there this guy was fucking talking like he had fucking been there!! like dude, take your fucking 14 bucks and get the hell out!!!
overall fucking bad day at work.
then of course it just got worse. the security guys called and did a fucking store tour, and everything was alright except some shit in the back the guy i was working with hadnt had a chance to clean up. but of course they were talking to me while i was trying to deal with fucking customers and asking me shit about the store, and its not my normal store. so i looked like a fucking retard. at least the guy on the phone wass nice about it.
then what i can only assume was a homeless guy came in with 140 cans to return. Now im not sure in any of you have ever had to fucking count 140 cans by yourself with a line of people waiting, but it is not fucking fun. then this jackass just wanted to money. wasn't buying shit! that should be illegal or some shit. like buy a fucking hotdog you bum!!
then homeless guy got all up in our business when two ladies came in who were attacked by fucking bees a couple blocks away and wanted ice. then this homeless guy started flipping out which made the lady flip out and he was just not helpful. we called the police and the ladies were fine but the jackass was all up in their business and making her panic even more, and also was in the way of every customer that walked in. Then when the fire trucks got there this guy was fucking talking like he had fucking been there!! like dude, take your fucking 14 bucks and get the hell out!!!
overall fucking bad day at work.
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Inspired by My Girlfriend
6 min read
So my girl wrote a letter to The It Gets Better Project, and its been bouncing around my head for a couple of hours and well I thought I should write something similar, probably wont send it to anyone, but just put it out in the universe.
To the Universe,
I am a 20 year old lesbian. I am as out as I can be without getting in trouble or losing a job. I have an amazing life. Supportive parents, awesome friends, and the best girlfriend I could ask for. People truly believe I have it all together, and on the outside I do. I have goals of saving the world, I am going through college at the expected rate, and I am not a total screw-up. So I can see why one may think I have it all figured out. Truth is I don't.
Despite having all the support I could want, I suffer with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. No big deal, the majority of Americans have depression. Some may say it came from my parents getting divorced, being adopted, or just the chemical imbalance. Truth is, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what brought on my depression. Yes, it matters that my parents are divorced. It matters a whole lot.
If my parents hadn't gotten divorced then I would have tried harder to die. Their divorce gave me the freedom I needed from my over-controlling mother. I was able to be more than five years old, I was 11 when they split. Yes i still had to see my mom, and we get along great now, but back then I was forced to live the lie of liking my mom.
My parents divorce had a different effect on my brother though, as he is now in jail. Now I cannot know for certain, nor do I think anyone can, that the split was the cause. However I do remember that he took it a lot harder then I did. He is very smart, and was probably getting decent grades up to that point, but I remember that as soon as they split my mom started getting more and more angry about his grades. Not like it helped to harp on him like that, they just got worse. He quickly took a wrong turn and may currently be trying to find the way back, but in jail that's what one does I suppose.
I on the other hand flourished. My grades had always been good, and they improved. I tried my hardest at everything. people thought it was because I was trying to get my parents back together by being a good kid, which was no the case. I finally was able to make decisions on my own, quickly deciding to live mostly with my dad. I was able to escape my brother, who was determined to take me down. I was able to breathe.
So again, I have it all together. Seems that I have my whole life. We all have our problems, you might think that mine wouldn't be as bad as yours, and you could be correct. Coming out to myself, my friends, my dad, step-mom, and finally my mom was a journey that took years. I struggled trying to be that little princess in all the Disney movies, trying to find the right guy. Any guy who was slightly nice to me was my new crush, anything so I wouldn't have to admit to myself that I liked girls. When I finally couldn't hide that I liked girls from myself I said it was in the way that girls know another girl is pretty. I of course didn't want to kiss my friends, yeah right.
I had always been a tom-boy. Not girly. No make up, not many dresses, no pink. I played soccer until my knees couldn't take it anymore, I played baseball, basketball, hockey, and tried swimming, figure skating, and any sport my parents could think of. I am not like a jock, I hate sports. I have asthma and am more overweight than I look. I am into sitting on my ass all day, watching TV, playing video games, and Facebooking. None of my favorite activities include sports or anything really girly. I am me.
I am a flamboyant dyke though. No way around that. My shoes are dyke shoes. I want a Jeep Wangler (dyke car) but painted rainbow. I want to go camping, save the world, go to political rallies, and just be an activist!
These are the thoughts I have most days. Most days I realize that my life is not bad at all, I have a great healthy relationship for the first time with a wonderful woman, and for the most part it feels like I really do have my shit together.
Other days I am very negative. I believe that I am good at nothing, I don't have the 4.0 GPA, I got my Associate degree at a crappy college, I barely have anything in common with my girl and she is going to leave as soon as I go to college... these thoughts cloud my mind often. Today is not one of those days, and on days like these I really do have my act together. On the other days I can't really get out of bed, I mope about, think of everything that is wrong with me, my relationship, my life. My anxiety leads me on a trail of "what ifs" and I don't know how to leave. Once I get a thought in my head, it is there to stay even if it is incorrect and hurtful.
I wish I could say I had it all together. I wish I could just be proud of myself, but I am not. I raise the bar for myself higher every day so I am always reaching and never getting there. If I were to get a 4.0 GPA I would find a way to be upset that I didn't get higher, Yes I have my associates degree, but I had to move back home to get it. Every accomplishment isn't good enough for myself, that is the reason I am not all together.
To the Universe,
I am a 20 year old lesbian. I am as out as I can be without getting in trouble or losing a job. I have an amazing life. Supportive parents, awesome friends, and the best girlfriend I could ask for. People truly believe I have it all together, and on the outside I do. I have goals of saving the world, I am going through college at the expected rate, and I am not a total screw-up. So I can see why one may think I have it all figured out. Truth is I don't.
Despite having all the support I could want, I suffer with depression and anxiety on a daily basis. No big deal, the majority of Americans have depression. Some may say it came from my parents getting divorced, being adopted, or just the chemical imbalance. Truth is, it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what brought on my depression. Yes, it matters that my parents are divorced. It matters a whole lot.
If my parents hadn't gotten divorced then I would have tried harder to die. Their divorce gave me the freedom I needed from my over-controlling mother. I was able to be more than five years old, I was 11 when they split. Yes i still had to see my mom, and we get along great now, but back then I was forced to live the lie of liking my mom.
My parents divorce had a different effect on my brother though, as he is now in jail. Now I cannot know for certain, nor do I think anyone can, that the split was the cause. However I do remember that he took it a lot harder then I did. He is very smart, and was probably getting decent grades up to that point, but I remember that as soon as they split my mom started getting more and more angry about his grades. Not like it helped to harp on him like that, they just got worse. He quickly took a wrong turn and may currently be trying to find the way back, but in jail that's what one does I suppose.
I on the other hand flourished. My grades had always been good, and they improved. I tried my hardest at everything. people thought it was because I was trying to get my parents back together by being a good kid, which was no the case. I finally was able to make decisions on my own, quickly deciding to live mostly with my dad. I was able to escape my brother, who was determined to take me down. I was able to breathe.
So again, I have it all together. Seems that I have my whole life. We all have our problems, you might think that mine wouldn't be as bad as yours, and you could be correct. Coming out to myself, my friends, my dad, step-mom, and finally my mom was a journey that took years. I struggled trying to be that little princess in all the Disney movies, trying to find the right guy. Any guy who was slightly nice to me was my new crush, anything so I wouldn't have to admit to myself that I liked girls. When I finally couldn't hide that I liked girls from myself I said it was in the way that girls know another girl is pretty. I of course didn't want to kiss my friends, yeah right.
I had always been a tom-boy. Not girly. No make up, not many dresses, no pink. I played soccer until my knees couldn't take it anymore, I played baseball, basketball, hockey, and tried swimming, figure skating, and any sport my parents could think of. I am not like a jock, I hate sports. I have asthma and am more overweight than I look. I am into sitting on my ass all day, watching TV, playing video games, and Facebooking. None of my favorite activities include sports or anything really girly. I am me.
I am a flamboyant dyke though. No way around that. My shoes are dyke shoes. I want a Jeep Wangler (dyke car) but painted rainbow. I want to go camping, save the world, go to political rallies, and just be an activist!
These are the thoughts I have most days. Most days I realize that my life is not bad at all, I have a great healthy relationship for the first time with a wonderful woman, and for the most part it feels like I really do have my shit together.
Other days I am very negative. I believe that I am good at nothing, I don't have the 4.0 GPA, I got my Associate degree at a crappy college, I barely have anything in common with my girl and she is going to leave as soon as I go to college... these thoughts cloud my mind often. Today is not one of those days, and on days like these I really do have my act together. On the other days I can't really get out of bed, I mope about, think of everything that is wrong with me, my relationship, my life. My anxiety leads me on a trail of "what ifs" and I don't know how to leave. Once I get a thought in my head, it is there to stay even if it is incorrect and hurtful.
I wish I could say I had it all together. I wish I could just be proud of myself, but I am not. I raise the bar for myself higher every day so I am always reaching and never getting there. If I were to get a 4.0 GPA I would find a way to be upset that I didn't get higher, Yes I have my associates degree, but I had to move back home to get it. Every accomplishment isn't good enough for myself, that is the reason I am not all together.
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Hate myself
1 min read
I am not longer allowed to txt after midnight. My chance of fucking up is sky high when I am tired. Last night I was a mess, a horrible mess.
Short story is that I am an ass and let my past get in the way of my current relationship. She thought I didn't trust her, we got in a fight, I realized I don't trust myself. Some days I think about marrying her, others I feel like we don't have anything in common and should just cut our losses. I love her, shouldn't that be all that matters??
We have a great relationship, a healthy relationship. What the hell is wrong with me???
Short story is that I am an ass and let my past get in the way of my current relationship. She thought I didn't trust her, we got in a fight, I realized I don't trust myself. Some days I think about marrying her, others I feel like we don't have anything in common and should just cut our losses. I love her, shouldn't that be all that matters??
We have a great relationship, a healthy relationship. What the hell is wrong with me???
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