This past week hasn't been so great. In the past week I have joined and quit rugby, broke up with my girlfriend of 10 months, started drinking, and been rejected repeatedly by a woman who I really want to be with.
This all of course just adds to the depression that has been eating at me for the last week. Last Thursday I woke up furious with myself for no reason and it has just gotten worse. I am taking my meds, it just isn't doing much right now. I quit weight watchers because it is just difficult do to the crappy wireless on campus and the mobile app being shitty. and my computer decided to die on me so i am in the lab currently typing this, which just makes me more upset. every other minute I want to cry but im in public so i cant. i want to walk back to my room, but i have no motivation to go that far. seriously im in a bad spot right now.
I skipped all my classes today, including one where a paper I havent written was due. i slept in til noon and finally decided to get up, which was an accomplishment. i even brushed my hair and put on clothes eventually to go to lunch at 2pm. other than that i ahve been able to play animal crossing, which at least allows me to have short term goals and complete them so i feel kind of better about myself. the biggest thing i did today was see a therapist. it required me getting in my car, driving to the place, and filling out forms. usually that would be a normal thing, take a small amount of energy. but right now, that tiny amount of energy was all i could muster. i am exhausted. i just want to drink and eat ice cream, but im scared that i am becoming an alcoholic cuz ive already drank 2 nights this week, and its only thursday. i just feel like shit. i am not a person who drinks, it is against almost every fiber of my being, but yet im letting myself do it. i got tipsey with a woman a barely even know and really like her. it is also very possible this is just me being in rebound mode from braking up with my girlfriend. ive wanted to drink in the past, and i guess ive gotten in a position where i can make it happen, but if i get caught im in trouble cuz im illegal for another 3 months, not like anyone really cares.
my mom is coming this weekend. not sure how i feel about it. originally she was gunna come see my play rugby, but i quit that and feel like a failure. but who knows what kind of mood she will be in.
im kind of happy about tonight and tmro tho. my bestie is spending the night, and letting me drink as long as i hand over my phone. which is a good idea because i have been an idiot as of late with my txting. and then we are watching my new love, Sherlock, in the morning and then i get to go spoil my lil baby cousin and see his mommy who is my fav cousin. he is a miracle baby and no one besides me and his immediate family seem to want to spoil him rotten. its all about the stupid baby girls that my other cousin has. guess that means my lil cousin is all mine!
today was just a bad day for no reason. it seems like the weekend has potential to be good, but it really depends on how i feel. it also depends on work. i really truly hate work. everyone is so negative. i came from the store that was rated number one in customerr service in the state (maybe region) and the store i am at now is not even close. everyone continues their conversations when customers are in the store, barely talk to them, its just ridiculously negative all the time. the customers dont need to know what went worng that morning, it doesnt effect them. it is not their problem. they just want their coffee so shut up! a hello, good morning and a thank you, see you soon are all people want. they do not want to know your sad story about how the truck was 2 hours late and customer service hasnt called you back on for some stupid problem. it doesnt matter to the customer. they want to kno if there is something on sale, or if an item they are buying is BOGO. My parents try to tell me the job is worth it because i have a bunch of benefits and shit, but with all that negativity on top of my depression, it is just not good for me. and everyone keeps telling me to take care of myself first and then when i try they get all mad and tell me i should take care of myself in a different way.
my mind isnt normal. running makes me want to punch things, it does not make me all happy and shit. me taking care of myself, is usually bad in the long run. like today i skipped all my classes, not the greatest thing to do long term. i eat ice cream to cope, not a good idea. you can tell me how great i am, and i will find a way to take it all negatively. when i am like this, the glass is broken and the water is on the floor. there is not half empty, its just broken. i am broken.